I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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