I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
