he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
