Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
When did angry sex become our thing?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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