Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
