i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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