Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
