I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
