she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize