It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
