how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
