he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
