This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
