I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
