I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
