well I can't set my house on fire every night
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
