I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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