You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
