Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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