You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
