apparently the secret to your success is patron
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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