Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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