when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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