i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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