i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
