: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize
