Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
