I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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