I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
