Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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