Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
