Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
