You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
