i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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