I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Randomize
