Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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