my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
