By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
