Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
