In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
So squirting runs in the family.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
