I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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