I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
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