Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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