your room smells of hookers.
And success
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
