I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize