I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
