I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
