I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
