The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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