i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
