dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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