Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
