Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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