I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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