dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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