Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
