Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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