honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
