??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
